I suppose an entire book could be written about challenges. Oh wait… that would be the Bible. But certainly in my day, my time and my life I am facing many. What is interesting is now that I have asked Christ into my life, the guilt and shame seems to be washed away.  Pastor Mark this week spoke about how simple it is to move forward when you over indulge in something.  When you sin.  Acknowledge it and ask forgiveness. Of course you need to be sincere but try to behave in a manner that brings glory to the Maker as you move forward. He knows I will stumble. For me it is daily, sometimes hourly, and I am still learning things that I need to incorporate to be less sinful, more peaceful more reverent and humble.  My church membership commitment is this:

“The Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”  – Micah 6.8

Patience. I was ill this past weekend. After 10 hours in the county emergency room, I learned I have a kidney stone (Gratefully it was not my appendix which is what I feared.) Prayers answered. Praise the Lord. But the waiting was interminable. 5- 6 hours before even seeing a doctor and about 10 hours all told. Now the pain with a kidney stone is intense and there is no relief. No special way to sit or lay that helps. It just IS. I prayed and in time it let up. But I endured. I waited and this time, instead of jumping up every hour to ask how much longer, or demand to be seen, or tell them how much I was hurting… I gave it over to God, and waited and suffered but felt peaceful that I had come to a place for help and would do as I was instructed to do. Anyone who has known me would say this was a big change for me. I know I did not do this alone. GF was with me and we would play a game about what time we would go and ask. She is an angel to me. But I was not even grumpy to her. I was soft and peaceful. I had more patience under stress than I used to have. I know God is working in me working through me. I was pleasant to all I encountered. Everyone I dealt with was pleasant and professional and the physician’s assistant who explained everything to me was thorough and took time to answer all my questions. I walked humbly.

How could there be a loving God if people suffer…? Now the fear that came with wondering about my appendix bursting, infection, dying and all that…was scary, But I knew if I did my part God would do His. What was meant to be would be. That was a comfort. He delivered. I was still relieved it was not a surgical solution I have to admit…But I was not panicked. Jesus was with me.

I used to wonder about sick people and suffering people and war and hunger and ask how could there be a God to allow such things to happen. I understand better now that we all have challenges while on this earth. The real reward comes in heaven and only comes based on how we carry ourselves on this earth. In my renewed Christian faith this means learning and following the Good Book. There is much comfort in there. But I cannot go it alone. I need other people to help me understand it. My Bible study group. my reading, my church and Pastors.  I need the feeling that happens in church when we all sing; The Holy Spirit. In fact this week’s sermon was about feeling the Holy Spirit with me always. It’s hard to be aware of when there is all this noise around. So daily reflection and prayer will help. I am not regimented to this yet. But I try.

God does not love me…does he? I was born into a family that had challenges. Not the worst. I mean I was born in America we had food and transportation and education. My mom was a great hugger and an intelligent person when sober. My Dad showed me the value of hard work and to take things a day at a time when things were tough. But there was much emotional neglect abuse and extreme upheaval as a daily portion of my life. I could not understand the misery of my household then face these people at church as a child. These church people who were all smiles and happy each Sunday morning. Certainly they did not go home to the hell I did. I will spare you the details but it was a toxic environment. The other kids were not dropped at the church door on Sunday morning. their parents were there and with them some of them even taught Sunday School. I was not so sure about My God loving me. It never seemed to make sense. It was not right or fair. I was not a bad person. Why was my life so different? Still I managed to attend “religiously” for 7 years,  was confirmed and made a member of the church by the time I was a teenager. I still have my pin and wreath and all the bars for all my years of Sunday school attendance in my dresser drawer.

As a young adult I rebelled. I made it in life “my own way”. Oh I have been to counseling more times than I could recall.  Often it helped me understand my behaviors better. But it did not settle me. I was an addictive personality, Sex drugs, rock n’ roll…Again, I will spare you the details. I dabbled in or deeply indulged in everything I found that might make me feel better. “FEEL” better. not “BE” better.

You gotta love God. I am reading a new book. It is by Rob Bell, the guy that did the Luggage video and many others. In his second book “Sex God: Exploring the endless connections between sexuality and sensuality” I stumble upon this revelation:

“You cannot be connected with God until you are at peace with who you are. If you are still upset that God gave you this body or this life, or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving sustainable sort of way. You will be at odds with your maker. And if you can’t come to terms with who you are and the life you’ve been given, you’ll never be able to accept others, and how they were made and the lives they’ve been given. And until you are at peace with God and those around you, you will continue to struggle with your role on the planet, your part to play in the ongoing creation of the universe. You will continue to struggle and resist and fail to connect.”

Yet another challenge. My dad was a drill sergeant to me. There was never warmth. I did not ever think he had my back. He was critical and constantly disappointed with me. One day at church last Spring, Pastor Mark spoke about a father helping his son who was injured during an Olympic competition. He spoke about how things don’t always go perfectly but God is like that father who is always right there in the stands to pick you up when you have fallen.

Then they played the video and sang a song! (Not the same as in this video.) Seeing that video is when I realized… I have never associated the word “Father”, with anything good or supportive or loving.  “Father” was Just someone I was sure to disappoint.  No wonder I have been confused with church and God and Jesus.

So now here at 60 years old, I have to imagine a loving spirit who has my back, believes in me and can forgive me each time I stumble. Pick me up and set me right and help me cross the finish line. But it is not really ‘imagine” I have to “believe”.  I see it and understand it better when I think of my own daughters and what I feel in my heart for each of them. Nothing they can do would ever make me love them less. We are blood. God created me in his own image. It’s a lot to “recaclulate” as the navigation system voice might say.

I saw the video of my baptism the other day and the other gent alongside me came up out of the water, arms up and full of joy and praise. I came up feeling washed and clean, but quiet. I did not look joyful. I have forgiven my ex-wife and owned the faults in my marriage. In writing this I see some of how my oldest daughter can see me like the drill sergeant my father was to me.

I have not yet made amends with God. I have to work to be at peace with me. I am that little boy who was dropped off at the church doors, wanting to smile and be like everyone else. I am now innocent and fresh and new; for God has forgiven me. This is not about therapy or behavior. this is about Spirit. It is about letting go of the anger, the pain the “waiting” and hoping.  It is about knowing  I have a Father in heaven, I have Jesus who suffered for me, allowing me to be forgiven, and having a Holy Spirit to guide me in each waking moment if I just listen and follow. Yes, God loves me. I just have to be real with my love for him as well. It’s not years of therapy I need… I just need to believe and let go.  I need to remind myself daily of these gifts.

Each step I take down this path, is a step closer. Thank you all who hold my hand as I walk this path. Friends, family, church and Bible group. You are precious beyond words to me. My angels.  I am learning to embrace the challenges rather than allow them to anger me or dissuade me.

I do not wish to be a rebel anymore. I do not wish to resist. I want to connect.  I am yours to work through me, God. I am not alone. I will stumble but if I merely ask, you will pick me up.  And for this I am so, so grateful.

It is (as always) my prayer that something here will touch you too and help you on your path.

-J